Bridge Over Troubled Budgets

This one was part of a bigger more elaborate project. I used to joke around with my grocery store conservative friend about how I thought he should be Prime Minister, and even though I was an NDP and wouldn`t actually vote for him, I would happily manage his campaign.  (I genuinely meant that. He was smart and really good at people, and if it weren`t for the fact that he would probably want to set a bunch of lame Tory policies privatizing everything and sucking away human rights, I still think he would make an exceptional leader.)  So for Christmas one year I built him a mock campaign proposal, which I found hilarious, but him not so much.  In fact that was the official breaking point at which he was like "I hate you forever!" (although not in those words.  Actually, not in any words.  ...At all.  Insert cricket chirps.)  This song wasn`t the best part of the proposal, but it`s the only part that really fits into the unrecorded & unreleased song category, so here`s another attempt at destroying a Paul Simon (& Garfunkle) classic.

Bridge Over Troubled Budgets

When we're short of funds

money's tight

When there's a defecit

I'll balance

I'll privatize

the public sector

cut civil servant jobs

Like a bridge over troubled budgets

I will lay you off

When you're frivolous

spending public funds

I will enquire so hard

I'll bury you

Tear you apart

exposing scandals

to bring your party down

Like a bridge over troubled budgets

bringing spending down

I'm responsible

fiscally

You'll like my policy

All our debt soon gone away

See free trade shine

with corporate tax breaks

and lax enviro laws

Like a bridge over troubled budgets

What enviro laws?

Blend Together

I made a habit of writing Paul Simon parodies for my friend Josh who was a conservative that I worked with in a grocery store a while ago and I used to cause a bunch of shit with him for self-amusement.  I wrote a couple of songs mocking his political beliefs, and then one day he urged me to try and figure something out for Bob Marley`s "No Woman No Cry" and "Come Together" by the Beatles.  So I did.  Neither were political in nature, but rather about working in a grocery store and how much he loves fruit smoothies.  I don`t remember the Marley cover "Cash Seven No Scan", but I think I can remember the Beatles one.

Blend Together
Here comes Joshua with his
Basket of produce
He`s got  juicy orange
He`s got tasty yoghurt
He`s got tangy strawberries
But he needs banana for the taste that he please

*He wears orange tee-shirts with the
PC logo
In the frozen food section he shoots
Past the pogos
He says blender drinks my reason to live
"Clogging my papaya pulp prerogative"

Blend together right now
For smoothie


*this part may have appeared political because of the orange tee-shirts and the fact that PC stands for Progressive Conservative. It actually had nothing to do with that whatsoever, and it wasn`t until much later that I thought of it. It was simply because we had to wear these awful orange shirts at work, and the PC stood for President`s Choice brand.

Call Me Bailey

My beagle`s name is Bailey.  I never call her that.  My friend Eric referred to her as Hell Beagle a few years ago, and since then she has become HB.  I sing Call Me Maybe to her a lot.

Call Me Bailey
Hey I just met you
And you are crazy
But you`re my beagle
Your name is Bailey
It`s hard to look right
at you Bailey
But you`re my beagle
I call you HB

Don`t Stop Sneezing

I. LOVE. JOURNEY.
I especially love Don`t Stop Believing, which is why I`m always singing it.  I include this in the "Songs I sing to my dog" genre because I`m allergic to the beagle and generally if I can`t stop sneezing it`s all her fault.  I only have two lines.  That`s all it really needs.  Any more than that and I`d have to punch myself for disgracing Journey.  This is already pushing it.

Don`t Stop Sneezing
DON`T STOP SNEEZING!
HOLD ON TO THAT KLEENEX!

(the caps lock is to represent the enthusiasm with which I sing this)

Wind Beneath My Butt

This was our Ballet carpooling classic.  When people think of Ella and Rachel, this is really the song that comes to mind I think.

Wind Beneath My Butt
Did you ever know that you`re my stomach gas
You`re everything I wouldn`t like to be
I can`t fly higher than a beagle
`Cuz you are the wind beneath my butt

Think of Me... Eating

This is another Ballet carpooling song.  This was where Rachel and I really started to get our act together to pump out some brilliant stuff.  There were a few duds between Tell The Truth and this song that I don`t really recall, but I think this take on a Phantom of the Opera classic was where we really started to fall into our element.

Think of Me... Eating
Think of me, think of me eating and then getting fat
Then think of me going to weight watchers and losing ten million pounds
Think of me, think just how slim I`ll be
Wha... (at this point we went into this crazy high operatic mode that was basically just shrieking because we couldn`t come up with lyrics so we decided it would be pretty funny to just go so high that nobody could understand what we were saying anyway) ...to do
There will never be a day when I`m as fat as you.

Tell the Truth

This was quite possibly my earliest parody work.  In fact it may not actually be mine at all. It might have been my Ballet carpooling partner working alone on this one, and I was just there yelling it out the window with her as my poor father reflected on what a terrible idea daughters are.  Regardless, it`s based on The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkle.  It`s interesting that Paul Simon has been rather a heavy influence on my parodying, so even if it was Rachel`s construction I feel it`s good to include it as kind of a stepping stone for some of my more recent work.  We really only got as far as the chorus.  When you`re inevitably disappointed, just remember that we were only 9 at the time.

Tell The Truth
Lie lie lie (tell the truth)
lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
lie lie lie (tell the truth)
lie lie lie lie lie lie lie la la la la lie
(tell the truth)
lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
lie lie lie (tell the truth)
lie lie lie lie lie lie lie la la la la lie